Thoughts about my baby being in NICU / Venting

My thoughts on my baby being in the NICUI hate that it feels like I need ‘permission’ to see MY baby. I totally understand that I need to check in and show my ID for safety reasons. However, it’s annoying. I have to follow all these rules for MY baby. I can’t just feed her when she’s hungry. When she was on the blue light for her bilirubin levels, I couldn’t just pick her up and hold her. I can’t wear jewelry. I have to use a specific sink to wash my hands before I touch her. I have to make sure the door to the isolette is closed whether she’s in there or not. -It’s hard to pick her up with all her wires and tubes and close the door before sitting in the chair to hold her. – I have seen signs that I’m not suppose to eat in the NICU, but I have ate my snacks because it’s a hassle to leave the NICU and I have to be let back in the room (again safety issue). Besides Dad and I, only FOUR people can see her and only two at a time. Those four people cannot change. There’s also a sign that says no using cell phone while holding baby (I also don’t listen to this, but I DO listen to the rule about cleaning your phone). There’s basically no private time with MY baby. When I’m breastfeeding or pumping, I have a privacy shield thing that goes around me, but it’s not perfect. I keep it around me when I’m done because I like the privacy. We’re just in a big open room with other babies and parents and nurses/staff. Along with no privacy… I feel watched ALL the time, especially if the privacy shield isn’t up. Sometimes.. I feel judged. I don’t want to be watched while I change her diaper. It takes me longer because all these freakin wires attached to her. Not to mention, I’m a first time parent and it’s been a hot minute since I’ve changed a newborns diaper. I also don’t want to be watched while I give a bath, change her clothes, etc. It feels downright WRONG every single time I leave the NICU without MY baby. It’s like leaving my heart behind for strangers to care for it. The feeling is AWFUL. I don’t feel like an active participant in her plan of care. Medications were added without us knowing (multivitamin and iron so nothing crazy), the feeding tube moved, she was moved to a new room, and we have absolutely NO say in when she’s ready to go home. We are just told what they are adding to my breastmilk “just extra calories” no real education about it or if I even have the option to refuse it. I feel scared to say no to anything because 1. I don’t want to be judged or labeled as a complicated mom & 2. I don’t want her stay to be longer. I literally just want her home ASAP. Plus, sometimes you don’t know what questions to ask. You don’t know what you don’t know. I also find it annoying that doctors don’t call and update you consistently. I get not calling everyday if nothing has changed but I think at the minimum, docs should be calling every 3 days. (Docs for adults call a family member everyday if asked/appropriate where I work). The alarms give me anxiety. In nursing school, it’s stressed “focus on the patient, not the machine / treat the patient, not the machine.” Well, it seems like there’s always some alarm going off in here. It makes me look up at her monitor and hope it’s not her. When it is her, I’m thinking “is she okay?! What can I do?!” Most of the time, she fixes her wacky vitals herself and quickly. Now that we are getting close to discharge, I am REALLY discouraged when she, for example, has a heart rate drop. This pushes the discharge date back every time it happens. Back to my nursing school knowledge, every heart rate drop that I have seen with her… she has LOOKED fine. She’s breathing with no color changes and it lasts like a second or two. Soooo it’s just really really distressful, upsetting, and discouraging. The drive back and forth SUCKS! It also sucks to plan around her ‘care times’ (the times that she gets vitals, diaper changed, and fed). That also goes back to I can’t just feed her whenever… she’s on a schedule. But if she were at home, she would be fed when she showed signs of hunger not at specific times. I feel like a LOT of my precious maternity leave has been ‘wasted.’ I haven’t gotten to spend nearly as much time with her as I want because it’s hard staying in this room. Plus, I don’t want to be at the hospital, I actually want to be home, but I want her WITH me at homeeeeeee. I feel like I have missed a LOT of bonding time with my baby. I feel very very robbed of my time with her & the experience I had in mind for delivery / postpartum. In summary, having a baby in the NICU is really difficult. I will say I know there are rules and schedules for these sweet babies for a reason. Our nurses have been extremely kind and update us when we come here or call. I am VERY thankful for all my daughters nurses & nothing about my post is negative to them. Even the privacy comment, I appreciate them checking on us and making sure we’re okay. It’s definitely taken a toll on me mentally, BUT she has been improving and getting stronger every day. I’m thankful she’s really just in the NICU because she was born prematurely & no other concerns. I know it could be worse and I am so so thankful she’s doing well and I KNOW she’s where she needs to be and the staff are taking good care of her. ❤️ via /r/NICUParents https://ift.tt/Uodr8Y1