Am I wrong for “Friend Zoning” my wife?

I (44m) have been married to my wife (39f) for just over 20 years. We get along very well and we both care for each other very much. I can truly say she is my best and closest friend, and I know we can both trust each other with anything. We have so much shared history together and we have each been there for each other through hard times and good times. Right now, we are financially comfortable and we both work full time. She is wfh and I commute about 40 min each way. We also have two kids, 20(f) & 18(m), who are in college but still live at home, and we are paying their tuition. For the first five years or so, we were both very physically affectionate each other and had sex all the time. Even with small children, our sex lives were healthy. After a while, I guess things got busier for us both. We still had sex regularly, but it was less spontaneous and mostly on the weekends. It stayed like that for years. But, around 3 or 4 years ago, things slowed down A LOT. It got to where she was only interested if she was ovulating or on her period, and no other time. Then, after a while, it got to be less and less frequent, to the point where it was like only 5 to 7 times per year. For me, the lack of physical intimacy was excruciating. When I would talk about it with her, she would say that she still finds me attractive, and that I’m not doing anything to turn her off. She let me know that she isn’t put off by my pursuits and typically feels flattered when show an interest. That said: I was still being rejected about 19 out of 20 times. I got to a point where I was just unable to reconcile the sexual rejections & lack of physical intimacy against the rest of our otherwise wonderful relationship.Then, one day, something just snapped inside me, and I decided I couldn’t live with this kind of turmoil anymore. So, in a sort-of hail Mary to save my sanity, I decided to try something new. I started to make myself think of her the same way I think of my friends and co-workers: any time I found myself thinking of her sexually, I would tell myself, “No. That thought is inappropriate.” And then I would quickly engage in something else to occupy my mind. At first, it was difficult. After a few months I trained my brain to think of my wife as more of a “friend” and not to entertain sexual thoughts of her at all. During this time (about 5 months), she seemed completely oblivious to it. Recently, however, she tried to come on to me, and I rejected her. I wasn’t rude or anything, but I honestly just wasn’t in the mood (probably for the first time in decades, lol!). She wasn’t thrilled, but she seemed ok about it. The next day was a Saturday, and she was obviously feeling amorous, but I still wasn’t feeling up to it. Not that I couldn’t have, but it somehow just seemed like a step down for my self respect and self worth–like I would suddenly be no better than a dog waiting for scraps or Oliver Twist begging for another cup of gruel. It just didn’t feel right. I never said of that; I just politely turned her down and said I had some other things I was planning to do, which was actually true. That night, I found her crying in our bedroom. When I asked her what was wrong, she said it felt as through I didn’t love her anymore and that rejecting her really hurt her feelings. I assured her that I still love her as much as ever, but I did take the opportunity to explain how I had been feeling and how I was dealing with it. She did NOT take it well. She yelled, and cried, and accused me of cheating. She said I was being unfair to her and basically insinuated that if I didn’t want sex then there must be something wrong with her or with me, that I must be planning to leave her, or I’m hiding something. I was completely forthright with her and tried to get her to understand my position. I told her that it felt demoralizing for me to wait around like a concubine for months for her to be in the mood, and that it is time for me to start working on me. I honestly have no plans to leave her, and I told her so. But I also told her that I don’t have the ability to be a sometimes lover and it would eventually take an enormous toll on me. She accused me of throwing her sexually in her face and said she can’t help the way she is. I told her that I DO accept her for who she is, but I also need to be accepted for who I am. From there, it just seems like we talked in circles for the next 2 hours.Since then, she’s barely said a word to me, and it’s been about a week. I’m really starting to doubt myself and my actions here, and I’m starting to wonder if I really am wrong. via /r/amiwrong https://ift.tt/L5p6zrf